I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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