apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
