Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
