3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
