Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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