grandma shit on top of the toilet
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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