How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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