True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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