im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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