The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
