I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
