if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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