you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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