I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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