I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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