before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i came on her dog
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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