I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
