ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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