Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i out mim tonsoeep
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
