nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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