sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
