why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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