Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
