How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
