fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
