His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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