That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Someone shit on the floor
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
