ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
