so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
