Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
