you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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