dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
