cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
