Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
