At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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