Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
