Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
