I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Couch. On fire.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
