do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
