Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
