would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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