How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
