My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
