How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
