I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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