Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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