Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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