Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
