How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
