i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I want a musical about memes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
