so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
