At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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