A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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