If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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