If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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